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Your ex-spouse is bad mouthing you to your children, constantly portraying you in a negative light, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, your relationship with your children could suffer. You could lose their respect, lose their affections-even, in extreme cases, lose all contact with them. The conventional advice is to do nothing, that fighting fire with fire will only result in greater injury to the children. But after years of consulting parents who heeded such advice with no success, Dr. Richard Warshak is convinced that this approach is wrong. It doesn't work, and parents are left feeling helpless and hopeless. DIVORCE POISON instead offers a blueprint for effective response. In it, you will learn how to distinguish different types of criticism, how and why parents manipulate their children, how to detect these maneuvers, and how these practices damage children. Most importantly, you'll discover powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with your children.
DIVORCE POISON is a time-tested work that gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children-and provides practical advice from legal and mental-health professionals to help their clients and safeguard the welfare of children. Whether they are perpetrators of divorce poison, victims of it, or both, parents who heed Dr. Warshak's advice will enable their children to maintain love and respect for their parents-even if their parents no longer love and respect each other.
- Sales Rank: #14408 in Books
- Brand: Warshak, Richard A.
- Published on: 2010-01-19
- Released on: 2010-01-19
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.25" h x .88" w x 6.13" l, .84 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 352 pages
Features
- William Morrow Paperbacks
From Publishers Weekly
In Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, Richard A. Warshak (The Custody Revolution) offers guidance to parents whose exes portray them to their children in a negative light, whether it's mild, off-the-cuff badmouthing or systematic character assassination. Common psychological wisdom, besides recommending that parents avoid fighting fire with fire, suggests doing nothing. But Warshak has witnessed the feelings of powerlessness and the increasing difficulties that come from doing nothing. So he provides "a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones." After describing numerous nuances of inter-parental malignment (brainwashing, false abuse accusations, revisionist history, etc.), Warshak moves on to "Poison Control," both independently and with the help of professional counselors. This book will seem a godsend to the many divorc‚s who are bashed by their ex-spouses. (Regan Books, $26 304p ISBN 0-06-018899-5; Jan.)
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Some level of animosity is typical in divorce, but when parents let those feelings degenerate into bad-mouthing, bashing, or brainwashing, they run the risk of emotionally damaging their children, according to child psychologist Warshak. He looks at the poisonous relationships that develop when parents carry criticism of their ex-spouses too far: parents and children estranged from one another, protracted and bitter custody and visitation battles, and even ruined relationships with the extended families. He uses case studies to illustrate how parents--sometimes unconsciously, sometimes deliberately--force children to choose between them and turn against the other parent. He describes a range of difficulties, from tainted parent-child relationships to an emotional disturbance known as parental alienation syndrome. Warshak offers strategies for parents to examine their motivations when they speak against a former spouse, to curb negative impulses, and to repair damage that may already have been done. Useful resource for families dealing with divorce and child rearing. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Review
“A godsend to the many divorcées who are bashed by their ex-spouses.” (Publishers Weekly)
“Divorce Poison is a must read for every parent involved in a hostile divorce.” (Dr. John W. Santrock, professor of psychology, University of Texas at Dallas)
“With the wisdom and insight of years of professional experience, Dr. Richard A. Warshak shows parents how to avoid the painful repercussions that result when a child becomes the pawn of parental conflicts. If you’re divorced and you love your child, read this book!” (Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., senior scholar Council on Contemporary Families, and author of The Good Divorce)
“An absolute must-read for any parent going through a divorce. Warshak lays bare the evils of parental alienation and gives readers the knowledge they need to defend themselves—and their children—against it.” (Armin Brott, author of The Expentant Father and The Single Father)
“A breakthrough book. . . . Original, well-written, balanced, and filled with insights, it is perfect for any parent who has been the victim of bad-mouthing.” (Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Father and Child Reunion and Why Men Are the Way They Are)
“Divorce Poison is destined to become a classic. Dr. Warshak’s sympathy for mothers, fathers, and relatives struggling to maintain their children’s affection is outweighed only by his compassion for the children themselves.” (Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys)
“This book is a testament to Dr. Warshak’s vast experience, erudition, and deep commitment to the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of the various categories of alienated children.” (Richard A. Gardner, M. D., clinical professor of child psychiatry, Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, author of The Parental Alienation Syndrome)
“Offers valuable advice, especially for those times when the going gets tough with your ex. It also helps you understand and heal your own hurts without hurting the children you love.” (Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and I'm Okay . . . You're a Brat!)
“Always painful, divorce can turn lethal when one parent attempts to poison the children against an ex-spouse. In this balanced, compassionate book, Richard Warshak offers vital advice to those caught in the emotional maelstrom of a bitter divorce.” (Mark Pendergrast, author of Victims of Memory)
Most helpful customer reviews
15 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
A Must Read...Even the very best parents can fall victim to losing their loving children if you do not understand Divorce Poison
By P and K Zitny
This is a well written book. Dr. Warshak deserves an award for being able to see the destruction happening to some children after or during divorce situations when one parent, for whatever reasons, makes it their life mission to turn their child/children against the other parent. Dr. Warshak not only is able to see the problem from multi-perspectives but is able to provide valuable tools to help a person survive such a crisis, should it occur.
I am a loving father of five children. Immediately after my divorce my children began distancing themselves from me. I thought at first it was just the trauma of the divorce, but throughout time I began to be forwarded Facebook posts telling the public I had abused my children and do not pay child support. My daughter would post similar things alleging that I did not care about my them (my children) and did not care if they had food to eat or clothes to wear. I was even contacted by a former employee I had to fire a few years back, claiming my children's mother was trying to lay guilt trips on him about my treatment of the children. My children began blocking me from their phones, refusing to come for holidays, or scheduled residential time. I have gone months without contact, of any kind, from my older children. When I show up for visits and my children do no come, law enforcement will not respond even with my court order in hand. My children have gone as far as to block me and all my relatives from social media and have refused contact with them. I am a father that kissed my children good night each night, and was fully immersed in their everyday lives. I have never missed a child support payment. I was completely confused and tried many good faith efforts to stay patient and wait for things to blow over. It was not until I read Divorce Poison did I open my eyes to this problem and realize that even a loving father like me could have my children turned against me given the right circumstances.
I have had to thicken my skin and suffer tremendous emotional insults by my children and my ex-wife, but without Dr. Warshak providing this practical advice, I may have just given up. The pain at times has kept me up at night, questioning the motives behind such cruelty from my once loving children that used to follow me around the house everyday. Now however I know this is what I can say...READ THIS BOOK... Don't ignore the signs, this problem is very real. As I read the book, I felt like it was written for me. I would also highly recommend that you buy the DVD too, Welcome Back Pluto to watch with your children also by Dr. Warshak. Divorce Poison is very real. I would never have believed my children could be lead astray by false information, bad attitude, or embellishment of pieces of information taken out of context or aggregated to purposely mislead.
Children should not have to endure the emotional trauma that surrounds this poison inflicted upon them. While it may be impossible to avoid, arming yourself with knowledge will help both you and your children to survive and continue to rebuild the loving relationship you once had. Now that I know what I know, I am going back to court and hoping this problem is recognized by the judges in the county where I live. There is no easy answer, but reading this book truly helps a person understand the process of alienation and the strength it will take to overcome it. God Bless each good mother or father that is having to go through this emotional assassination, stay strong.
UPDATE:
I cannot say enough not to give up on your children. I was able to go to court and outline my journey through parental alienation. The judge believed me. For the first time in two and a half years my daughters came willingly to my home for eleven days. Before the judge sent my ex-wife a very strong message and found her in contempt of court in multiple areas, my daughters would not come willingly with me for any length of time or with any consistency. My daughters would send me very strong messages of disdain and often rude messages that lacked any emotion at all. The first few days of their time with me were awkward and somewhat tense, however eventually they began to relax. Our relationships are far from healed but we were finally able to open a new chapter of our lives. I look forward to watching them grow up and to be an active part of their lives. I am sure there will be many more obstacles to jump, but in my case, the legal system was on my side. Like Dr. Warshak says, be ready to toughen your skin and try to be as non-reactive as possible. Keep good data. Take the high road and don't get caught up in the emotional destruction going on, be strong. Good luck and read this book. It worked for me.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Hands-down best book for parental alienation and high-conflict divorces
By peanut
Absolutely the *best* book I've read about parental alienation, high-conflict divorces, and brainwashing children during divorce. Some of the things Dr. Warshak discusses literally could have been pulled from my own divorce. It doesn't cater to men or women specifically, and offers techniques and suggestions for overcoming even very serious alienation. I highly recommend this book to anyone going through a divorce or custody battle. I took some of the techniques to heart, changed my behavior, adjusted how I thought of the children (they're victims!), and noticed an immediate change in my relationship with my children. Obviously, time is the only healer, but there is no time like the present to reconnect with your children.
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Enlightenment
By Paul Burke
I lost my 2 sons many years ago and could not understand why. It never entered my mind their mother would turn them against me. They were 9 and 10 at the time of the divorced and I had a close relationship with them. The courts in those days would not consider joint custody. I thought since divorce was traumatic to us all their mother would want my cooperation to raise my sons to become responsible loving adults. How wrong I was. I fought every way I could to maintain a relationship with them.
It never worked out. My one son is 48 and has refused every effort I make to renew a relationship. I have not seen him in 23 years. The other son lives many miles for me and treats me like casual acquaintance. There is no love. Whenever I try to arrange a visit, there are always major complications in arranging a time. (His mother lives close by). At first I was welcome to stay at their home. For future visits I was informed I needed to make arrangements to stay in a hotel.
Your book has finally opened my eyes. I see how their mother continues to poison their thinking. It will never end and I am preparing to "Let Go". It deeply saddens me to do this but I understand there is nothing I can do to change the situation.
I am sending a copy of "Divorce Poison" to both my sons along with a letter expressing my love for them and leaving the door open for a future relationship.
There were many times I could not understand what happened. Your book explains it all. Now I know.
Thank you for writing the book.
Paul B
See all 377 customer reviews...
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